Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Trumpy Cat
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.