I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.