(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder