I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.