I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?