I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
This is me 🤣🤣
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!