@mortimermaiden: I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I'm half man, half jar.
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@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you? Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT? *tosses donut out window* Cop: ... Me: Aren't you gonna go get- Cop: Get out.
@Laser_Cat: America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.