@mortimermaiden: I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I'm half man, half jar.
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@MoodyBlx: People who own Hummers and Range Rovers, what's the thinking here? "I might have to drive up to Iraq for a weekend?"
@jbryantiii: As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
@deegeemindi: My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money "too dirty." He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
@Book_Krazy: CW: I think you're two-faced Me: Why don't you say that to my face CW: I just did! Me: No. My other face.