I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Potatoes were such a good idea
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.