I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Catercrombie & Fish
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS