“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.