The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
It be like that sometimes 😆
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”