@thebeckyard: I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.
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@daemonic3: [Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
@OctopusCaveman: I'm thinking about getting a dog so I'm not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.
@Death_Buddy: I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, "dang, someone's already got the murdering covered here"