If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I wish I could veto my bills.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”