I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty