I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
did it work
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.