“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????