I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened