I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I wanna be friends with this person
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.