@SufficientCharm: I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: What did you get me for Mother's Day? 3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it? 3: You haven't made it yet.
@LMHPhotog: Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun!