I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW