@SufficientCharm: I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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@markedly: On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says "By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog." You look down. It's true.
@vexroid: This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.
@jdforshort: Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.
@Wine_Honey1: Note to self: Don't get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.