@SufficientCharm: I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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@upsidedowntrash: Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
@Lazer_Cat_: The Terminator would have been better if they'd cast Jim Parsons. "Bazinga" is so much better than "I'll be back."
@Neauxpe: The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.
@rockymomax: [first day as 911 operator] ME: 911 what's your- your- *looks over to boss* BOSS: emergency ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here