I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Cucumbers Anonymous
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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