i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Worst perfume name ever.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.