@BourbonLuv: I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before!
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@Crutnacker: Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria. Obama: Equestria? Isn't that My Little Pony? Biden: 😉
@huntigula: [job interview] Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don't move [plays 'In The Air Tonight'] [I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”) Wife: I heard that