@BourbonLuv: I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before!
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@SteveSuckington: If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body, your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.
@aveuaskew: "Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It's just air!" Exactly "What?" It's inflation "I hate you"
@MoistPork: "He's a jerk. I'm over him anyway. (5 minutes later) Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!" -Women
@Knob_ish: Scroll Scroll Scroll your phone, gently down the screen. Merilly Merrily Merrily Merrily MY GOD THAT'S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!