Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
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Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”