I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Dolls on drugs
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.