@juneohara65: I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
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@WilliamAder: I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women's Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
@cluedont: I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need.
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.