I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
There is wisdom there.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I get distracted pretty eas
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight