They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
synchronized noseblowing
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house