@TheSeanBrewster: I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought "oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!"
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@AmericanGent69: If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
@jackmackenroth: Lately I've been getting in touch with my inner self. I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
@Sean_Burgundy_: It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone