@TheSeanBrewster: I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought "oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!"
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@SamTR7: *Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind* ✘ Fly ✘ Breathe fire ✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
@thejessbess: I always wear running shoes while driving because you won't know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
@aspiringtoucan: ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office BOSS: no dogs ME: [about to hand over my dog's resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh