I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Sharon, call the vet
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
You are not alone 💚