@TheSeanBrewster: I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought "oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!"
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@notacroc: [1st date] Her: we should keep religion out of this *religion gets up & leaves the table* Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
@iRowlf: I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.
@Swishergirl24: The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
@Mr_Kapowski: Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me She belongs to us all She's R. Kelly