I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.