@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
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@WilliamAder: Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that's Fahrenheit or centigrade.
@jwoodham: Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
@CoopSoSarc: Daughter yells "I love bananas, the bigger the better". Wife and I laugh hysterically, Then I die a little inside.
@RoastedPapad: *Buys new iPhone* *Crosses road tweeting about it* *Accident* *Dies* *Makes entry in heaven* - Sent via iPhone.