@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
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@thetobbie: Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
@PaperWash: [driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
@beefman138: Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives. Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.