@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
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@caliluvgirl77: I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend] Me: *Leading her in blindfolded* GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?
@bourgeoisalien: We can't afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
@trumpetcake: Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.