@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
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@singing_ghosts: [texting in 1918] *pigeon delivers message* *msg reads: I don't love you* *turns to u* why would u send this? "it was 6 days ago. I was mad"
@thetits: PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals ME: no problem [later w/ a group] ME: that’s Greg, & that's Linda…
@bridger_w: If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing