I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.