I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*