@twitdeedum: I was going to do the dishes but they weren't in the mood.
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@Playing_Dad: [Rappers job interview] Boss: What is your biggest weakness? Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can't speak. I'm a geek. Birds have feathers.
@AristotlesNZ: Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle's skull.
@SonOfCha: Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is "swinging a mean stick", so look out, ladies. He's back.