@twitdeedum: I was going to do the dishes but they weren't in the mood.
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@david8hughes: [at the mall] "I've lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?" "Sure, what's his name?" "Xander." "See, that's why he ran off."
@mexinonblonde: *stands up and screams* "PICTURES OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" *gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
@JohnHilsen: Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.