Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants