@GingerHotDish: I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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@NewDadNotes: [first day as a spy] Wife: what’s your bosses name? Me: I can’t tell you that Wife: why? Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
@VeryLonelyLuke: I got mad at a rock today. I chopped it in half with my lightsaber. Now there are two rocks. Send help. Now.
@Dis0beyJay: *First Date* Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy Me:Ok *Later* Her: So, tell me about your day? Me: I don't have to tell you shit
@briangaar: Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home