I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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Happy birthday to all the women
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth