i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My time has come.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan