Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Huge, if true.
it is time once again
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous