I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
You Might Also Like
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”