I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
A game married people play.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
it’s finally my moment to shine