I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Friday night party time 🥳
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Monday Lisa
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn