@JesKeepSwimming: I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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@shopkins776: Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
@OrvllShrednbchr: Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I'm self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
@jokeymcjokeface: If your name is Ella and you haven't opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella's, what are you doing with your life?
@LuvPug: I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can't tweet it again because it's already been stolen