@TheHistoryBook: "I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high.." - Super Mario
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@cwhudson: [at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
@amydillon: 85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
@Fickle_Filly: Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
@beisswrandon: If he says "you're 1 in a million" it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you