Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
You Might Also Like
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”