The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family