I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.