I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
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Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
✌️
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
#parenting
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
What a chick magnet..