I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
You Might Also Like
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
sir, my pâté if you please
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.