@novicefather: I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
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@tinytittays: Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.
@Adar79Angie: If your Dad leaves, just act like you're installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE