@novicefather: I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
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@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
@SamanthaaaReece: Me: today I'm not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!! *almost steps on pigeon* Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
@Mikestanley1: [pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."