@itshotterhere: I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
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@oldmanweldon: UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for. LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
@jwoodham: If your building doesn't have an elevator and you don't live on the first floor, we can't date. I'm looking for a relationship, not a gym.
@T_Bonezzz_: [ First Date ] Her: OMG, I've been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself.. Me: HODOR...
@AmishPornStar1: 4th of July Pro Tip: If you're looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.