Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.