I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
You are not alone 💚
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.