I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My dog learned how to text
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him